User:JohnB/The Book and the stone 5

Vaezbrub:

It was becoming more apparent with each week of sailing that the fleet was entering a whole new part of the world unlike anything the crew had ever known. A wooded island came up the starboard, and when it was close enough for them to discern the details of what was on it, it appeared that a strange man was jumping up and down and shouting to get their attention. His inventory clattered and clanked with 30 pronged bastard swords, 27 fine gilded pavise shields, 17 holy cambric titanium helmets, 20 fine gilded splint mail gauntlets, and 15 impressive fine platemail greaves.

The captain ordered the anchor lowered and a longboat sent to rescue the marooned man, but when he boarded the ship, the most overpowering stench assaulted everyone on board. They held their noses.

"Name?" the captain inquired holding a nosegay in one hand and a quill in the other to enter the information in the ship's log.

"Vaezbrub, your Worship."

"Race?"

"Dung elf, if it please you, Sir."

"No, it doesn't please me. Class?"

"Bastard lunatic, your Solipsism."

"And how is it you came to be stranded on this island?"

"I was doing the Spite of Gromth quest, which was two-fold: to deliver a toothpick and seek the Unearthly Bijou, but somehow I ended up here."

"But how?"

"By being a freaking bastard lunatic, for crying out loud! Why does a bastard lunatic end up anywhere?!" he answered in exasperation. "We bastard lunatics can be found in the unlikeliest places. You could be one of the brotherhood as well. So let me try the lunatic test on you: imagine somebody barging in on you while you're indulging in your most sacredly secret pastime, a single-player Dungeons-and-Dragons sort of game--a foible you wouldn't want the whole world to know about. How would you explain yourself?"

The captain thought for a moment.

"I would say, 'Oh, you don't do this too?'"

"Bravo!" Vaezbrub clapped, "Spoken like a first-class lunatic!"

The captain grimaced and slapped the log shut.

"How could he have known this addiction?" he wondered as he tossed the log aside.

The captain then brought out an enlarged replica of the Bethamez map that he had made for the voyage. He unrolled it on a table for Vaezbrub to look at.

"This is the world as we know it, and this is where we hope to go," he said circling his hand over the west and then the east side of the map. "And this is where we think we are," he added circling his hand over the center. "Do you happen to be familiar with any of these land masses ahead of us?"

Vaezbrub examined the map carefully.

"This, over here," he said pointing, "is called Knoram. I wouldn't go there if I were you--too many demi-Canadian bastard lunatics. But they're not as bad as the murderous opioid lunatics to the south of them. And this over here is Expodrine. Not much there but Blink Dogs. And this is Oobag, which is full of Chibits and Keeks, and the air is putrid from the Belching Pungaroles. Here's Soltog full of Bugbears, Silkies, and Grid Bugs. And this over here is Pemptus, where Trilobite Familiars lurk in mountain marsh biomes. But wherever he may be, steer clear of Aco Rogbath or he'll cast Big Sister at you, and you'll chain geometrically and be cursed with Acrid Hands."

(c.f. progressquest{dot}com{slash}realms{dot}php Note: Progress Quest is actually a spoof on The Elder Scrolls among other virtual-world games. If we can't laugh at ourselves, then we are guilty of being lunatics as well.)

The sooner they unloaded this vile s**tbag who spoke only Nonsequitur-ese, the better.

"If you could be dropped off at any one of them, which one would it be?" the captain finally asked.

"None of them," Vaezbrub responded curtly. "I know them all too well, but this coastline here," he said pointing at the mysterious continent on the right edge of the map, "I have no idea what that is."

It was encouraging to know that the dung-elf race didn't originate there.

"Good! Because that's where we're sailing."

"Mind if I tag along?" Vaezbrub asked.

"Not if you stay downwind of us and then make yourself very scarce thereafter."