General:April Fools

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Occasionally, the UESP publishes false information with the express intention of fooling people. This is an archive of these attempts.


TESV Announced at Last — April 1st, 2010[edit]

Bethesda Softworks announced today, April 1, that the next version of The Elder Scrolls series, the long-awaited TESV, will be a retro game.

Bethesda spokesperson Opal Firlo announced that the next game would revisit "Pacman" - the popular franchise from the 80's, and abandon typical RPG elements in favor of choices such as "flap or oil", which would see the protagonist flying out of harm's way or oiling themselves to slide out of an enemy's grasp.

In addition, a geography element will be added to the game - a player will be able to select the "Polar if lo" option to head back to a base at one of the antipodes if seriously damaged. This reviewer found a cheat mode to finish the game: typing "I All Proof" will prevent the character from dying, but if the player can find the "Poor Flail" or can dive into the "Flair Pool", that shouldn't be an issue.

from UESP's roving reporter Olaf Pirlo


Skyrim Canceled! — April 1, 2011[edit]

Bethesda executive producer Todd Howard dropped a bomb on the gaming community today when he announced that the widely-awaited sequel to Oblivion, Skyrim, was "indefinitely delayed". He claimed that although there had been some positive feedback about the game, the general feeling was negative and that the team needed to re-evaluate the reaction from the fanbase.

"We've read all the forum comments and realized that we don't have any idea what we're supposed to be doing", said Howard. "We need to look at the whole project from fresh."

Howard's comments were reiterated by VP Pete Hines: "We've missed the target on this one. We should have got the community involved earlier. I think we all realise, from feedback we've received so far, that we are all indeed 'lame' and it's certainly true that none of us have girlfriends."

Further comments from Howard suggested that there were deeper problems in the game. "We had to accept that we couldn't do that "Radiant Story" thing - it was too confusing, messed up the game world, and made us realize that we had to delay the game for another year, just to make it work"

The last word goes to Pete Hines: "We would like to thank to Game Informer Magazine for covering the story in-depth, but right now we have to sit back and think."

Nobody at Bethesda was prepared to give a revised date for release. From your roving reporter, Polar Foil.


Elder Scrolls VI Announced — April 1, 2013[edit]


New Elder Scrolls Game Announced! — April 1, 2015[edit]

In a surprise announcement, Bethesda Softworks has revealed a new game set in the Elder Scrolls universe. This announcement, which is coming right off the coattails of Elder Scrolls Online dropping its subscription fee, has revealed that the yet-to-be-named game will be a return to the single player roots of the franchise.

"When we were brainstorming ideas for a new Elder Scrolls game, we came to the conclusion that we should really give the players what they've been asking of us for the past few years", said a Bethesda employee when asked for public comment. "We've really taken their wishes into consideration here. It was just clear that multiplayer was the wrong move to make."

The game will be less "goal oriented", according to the public announcement. It will not feature a traditional main quest, instead focusing on life in the world of Nirn rather than some overarching story. The game will also not center around one of the usual playable races, with it instead branching out towards one of the series' most beloved species. Executive producer Todd Howard commented on this non-traditional move: "Truthfully, we felt that we had a diamond in the rough on our hands for the last few games, but never struck at the opportunity to pursue it. But a new game means new chances, so with that said, I am proud to announce that the only playable race in the game will be the previously-ignored Mudcrab."

The game's core content will be centered around the Mudcrab lifestyle, customs, and culture. To bring home the day-to-day of the Mudcrab life, major innovations to previous games' swimming and relation mechanics have been made. Of particular interest is the newly expanded relationship system, which will allow for more "desired" interactions between the player and NPCs. Pete Hines had his thoughts to share on the new features for character relationships: "Really, all we did was look at what the community's modders were doing and copied that. In theory, we hoped this would truly provide a player-crafted experience provided by us. In practice, about 90% of the game's content will solely revolve around Mudcrab sex."

There is no scheduled release date for this game as of now, but it is planned for release on handheld, iOS, and Android devices. From your dedicated reporter, April Olof.


New Expansion for Skyrim Revealed! — April 01, 2017[edit]

In a surprise announcement, Bethesda Softworks has announced a new expansion for The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim Special Edition to celebrate the 15th anniversary of The Elder Scrolls III: Morrowind, several years since the last DLC was released for the game. Even more surprisingly, this expansion, which is named The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim Special Edition: Nerevarine, will be exclusively released to the upcoming Nintendo Switch version of the game. "When people think Elder Scrolls, they also immediately think about Nintendo. We're just two companies made for each other. They really understand our creative vision. I mean, haven't you played 'Breath of the Wild'?" Said Pete Hines in the initial announcement.

The newly revealed Nerevarine expansion will see the Dragonborn face his greatest threat and foe yet, Nerevar Reborn. "When we wanted to return to Skyrim, we wanted the return to be big, to mean a lot to the fans who were going to have to buy an entirely new console just to experience this exclusive content." Todd Howard stated, when asked for comment. "That's why we decided to do something no other Elder Scrolls game out right now had thought to do, and allow the player to return to Vvardenfell for this epic showdown between the Nerevarine and the Dohvakiin." When we pointed out the upcoming release of Morrowind for The Elder Scrolls Online, he replied "Oh, are they still doing that? I didn't really play it, it seemed really long. Besides, our version is probably going to be better anyway. We're going to be bringing back the Morag Tong, and Vivec, and you'll get to explore Telvanni Mushroom Towers... it's really going to be great." When we pointed out that the ESO version of Morrowind would also include all of those things, an increasingly upset Todd responded "Well you know what they can't have? The Nerevarine! We got him, and he's really interesting and went on tons of adventures that you get to learn about from his time in Akavir. Like take this for example..." He paused, as he sorted through his notes. As he kept going through them, he eventually stopped entirely, went pale, and then stormed out of the interview, leaving behind his notes. After examining it, the page in question was labeled "Notes on Nerevarine", with most of the text on the page having been blacked out, with a crudely written message stating "TODD SMEELS", underneath a stick figure with smell lines, and an arrow pointing to the stick figure labeled "Todd".

We attempted to reach out to ZeniMax Online Studios for comment afterwards, which only received a short response from Rich Lambert: "Haha, did you see if he cried? Hey Schick, it totally worked!" before he left, high fiving everyone he passed on his way out.

The Nintendo Switch version of Skyrim is set to release in Fall, 2017, alongside this expansion. As more details emerge, we will keep you updated.

From your favorite reporter, April Olof.